Why Anxiety Freaking Sucks
Anxiety. The root of all evil. The very thing that strives to control my entire existence. The thing that produces endless nights and sleep deprivation. The thing that holds me back from going to social gatherings. The thing that causes me to cancel plans with friends. Yes, that ‘thing’, it freaking sucks.
It wasn’t until two years ago that I figured out my way of thinking was ‘different’. I thought everyone thought the same way I did. I thought everyone would replay every stupid thing they ever said in their heads over and over again when they couldn’t sleep at night. I cannot remember the exact, iconic moment I realized that I suffer from anxiety, but it was probably a doozy. For those of you who do not have anxiety, it might be hard to understand exactly what it is or why it’s such a big deal. If you do have anxiety, you can laugh (or cry) with me as I explain it in my everyday life. I’m going to tell you why this shit sucks.
For me, anxiety can control my very existence when and if I allow it to. I often find myself canceling plans made with friends just because I am afraid I will embarrass myself or say something stupid. Who thinks that deeply about a social gathering? I do. Other times (all the time) I will overthink the littlest of things. Take for example this situation (insert boring example from my life here). A very good friend of mine had been super busy with school work and had not been keeping up on the daily texting exchange that was normal between the two of us. She was one wording me and showed little interest in our conversation because she was busy studying for finals. I completely overthought this. I thought she didn’t want to be my friend anymore, that she was mad at me, etc. My mind took a very simple situation to the a very deep dark place where I was literally obsessing over these thoughts. This is very exhausting. Can you imagine doing this all the time? This is literally my life every single day and let me tell you...this shit sucks. I will think of the worst outcome in every single situation. My heart will race and my hands will shake for no reason at times because my mind will work my body up. I am exhausted. I can’t sleep at night. I come off as shy and timid to strangers. I have a hard time picking up the phone and ordering a pizza. Simple adult things right? Wrong, I struggle to do these ‘simple things’ every single day. This. Shit. Sucks.
I can go on and on and on about the different examples of anxiety I personally fall victim to on a daily basis. This feels like a prolonged rant about why anxiety sucks but hey, I had to let it out somehow, right? In the midst of all the darkness, there are some positive things about this lifelong journey I have found myself on. Just recently I don’t feel like a victim to my own mind anymore. There are days where I still feel like a prisoner to my own mind, don’t get me wrong, but for the most part I try really hard to not let myself fall victim to the evil that is anxiety. I have learned to force myself to think more positively about any given situation. I have learned how to calm myself down when I start to feel anxious. I have learned that I am a strong person. I have learned that I can help others when they start to feel anxious. I have learned so many things about myself and this continues every single day. I have learned how to not let the negative thoughts consume me to the point where I don’t want to get out of bed. Everyday I wake up with a purpose. That purpose is to be a better person than I was yesterday. That purpose is to have one more positive thought than I did yesterday. To work harder. To help someone in need. To be someone who matters and someone who can make a difference. My purpose is to live this life and make it the best I can. My hope with anyone struggling with anxiety is to remember that there is always a ray of sunshine. Every negative thought you have, replace it with something positive. It’s hard a first. In that mindset it can be very difficult to think of something positive but it could be the smallest of things. Yes, anxiety freaking sucks but hey, we’re still here. We’re still living and we might as well make the best of it. Be a victor of anxiety, not the victim. Own that shit. You can do it.
-Tay
