Two Years Divorced
This summer marks the two-year anniversary of my divorce being final. This is something that I’ve never really shared publicly but, the poll on twitter/Instagram told me that you guys would be interested in hearing about the process and such. I also asked what you guys wanted to know and got tons of questions! So, I hope to answer all of them...here it goes.
How did your ex take you wanting to get a divorce? Were you afraid?
My ex did not take it well, at all. I knew I wanted a divorce long before I ever told him. The last six months or so of our relationship I was kind of just going through the motions until I finally felt brave enough to tell him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. It took me a VERY long time to accept that I wanted a divorce… I never, ever thought I would be divorced because I value marriage and I wanted the happy marriage for myself, but I knew that I wasn’t ever going to get that with him. I knew that if I really wanted to be happy and have a better life for myself, I had to leave him. When I first told him, he kept trying to tell me that we could separate but there was no way we were going to divorce because he was going to go to therapy and get better. I knew that this was all bullshit because every time he messed up he would manipulate me to think that he was really going to change and that he would never do it again. We were living with my grandma at the time and I told him I wanted him to leave. He wouldn’t even pack his own bag, I had to do it for him. It took him all day to finally leave my house. I wasn’t afraid he was going to put his hands on me at this moment in time because he was on his ‘best behavior’ to ‘try’ and win me back. He actually started going to therapy but then would come home and tell me that his therapist said that he thought we could get through this and stay together and a bunch of other shit. I can’t even tell you how much shit he told me to try and get me to stay, it was disgusting. Again, I wanted nothing to do with it.
The part that really scared me throughout this process was the fact that I knew he was driving by my house throughout the day to see if I was home or who was home with me and the fact that he would show up to my work unannounced. He texted me nonstop and when I got home from work he would be chillin’ on my bed waiting for me. He would hang out with my family without my knowledge and he would be waiting for me at family dinner on Sunday. I literally felt like he was suffocating me, he wouldn’t let me be or give me my space no matter how many times I told him. He was stalking me. This part was completely draining. He was trying really hard to win me over and he was constantly buying me gifts, bringing me food and manipulating me. This was an everyday thing, it was exhausting. It felt like he was still trying to control me… because he was. Something you should know about me though…once I make a decision, like really truly make a decision, I hardly ever change my mind. There was no way in hell I was going to go back to him. He didn’t stop showing up unannounced until I threated a restraining order. After that I was finally able to get some peace and heal.
What was the divorce process like?
There is tons of paperwork to get a divorce and its expensive –– as if it isn’t terrible enough. I filed first, obviously since he didn’t want anything to do with it. Once you file the first document, the other party must get served the papers, literal “you have been served”. After the other party has been served they have X (I forgot how many now) amount of days to respond. If they don’t respond you have to file more paperwork. Keep in mind, every time you have to file something you have to file it in family court… which is in Martinez. He obviously never responded to the divorce papers, he never even signed anything. So, everything that I put on the papers I got by default. There was hardly anything on there since we didn’t own a home and his car was in his own name and I refinanced my car in my own name. The process was lengthy. I went to Martinez several times to fill out paperwork. And, on top of all of that, everything I filed I also had to mail a copy to him. All of this took about six months and when I finally got the SIGNED and FINALIZED divorce papers, I called Zach and started crying (tears of relief). I’ve never felt more free in my entire life.
Do you regret getting married?
Yes and no. The only thing I regret is how long I stayed and how I allowed someone to treat me the way he did. I have given myself grace though because if you have ever been in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s a cycle. It starts with honeymoon ––> tension building ––> altercation ––> apologizing and then back to the honeymoon stage. After each altercation there’s promises to change, and you really want to believe them because you love them. I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot. It made me the person I am, which is cliché but it’s so true. I have grown up so much in the last couple of years. I have learned who I am as a person, what I want in a relationship, what I don’t want in a relationship, how to really love and appreciate someone, and how to forgive even the most unforgivable things. So yes, I regret staying for so long, but I don’t regret it because it formed and molded who I am.
How long did it take for you to trust after your divorce?
I’ve been thinking about this question and I honestly don’t really know how long it took me to fully trust. It happened little by little, definitely not overnight. I honestly wanna say it took me probably a whole year to REALLY trust. Zach made it easier for me to trust again just because he would always reassure me and he went at my pace. He never pressured me to trust him, he would just keep reassuring me that he wasn’t my ex. And he's so damn patient with me, bless his soul.
How long did it take for you to let yourself to fully fall in love with someone else again?
This one I feel like I didn’t really have any control over. I had no intentions of falling in love again but it happened so, so fast. Zach literally came into my life a month after I told my ex to move out. At first, I thought nothing of it. I didn’t think anything would come out of it Zach was someone to talk to everyday and he made me laugh. I thought we had a cool friendship going. Slowly but surely our talks became deeper. We started talking about what we wanted in a relationship, what we wanted out of this life, our purpose in this life, etc. I knew I liked him but I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t even really really know he was into me until we hung out for the first time. The rest is pretty much history. I started falling really hard and really fast. It was so different because he was so kind and knew what he wanted, I love that about him. It was kind of inevitable falling for him. He made everything so easy. I was terrified at first and I was trying to fight off my feelings but we all know you can’t tell yourself how to feel, it just happens. I knew I loved him a few months in. I knew I was in love with him the first time he told me he loved me. I didn’t know how badly I wanted to hear him say those words until he said it. So, to answer this question, it only took a few months to really let myself fall in love again and that’s because Zachary is my legit soulmate and the love of my life.
Did you believe that you could allow yourself to be in a relationship after your divorce?
Hell no. I wanted nothing to do with it. I remember sitting at breakfast with my best friend shortly after everything went down and I told her I would never love again and never get married ever again. She laughed and told me that I would change my mind and I was thinking ya right, what do you know. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all… buttttt we all know how that ended up lol. It just happened and I’m so glad it did. Gods way is the best way.
Do you believe that your prior relationship set you up emotionally for your current, happy one?
Yes and no. I definitely think it made me more mature. I think it made me way more appreciative of Zachary and how soft hearted he is. I don’t think I would’ve been ready for Zach prior to my marriage. Let’s say I never got married and started dating Zach in high school, I don’t think I would appreciate him as much as I do now –– and he deserves every ounce of love and appreciation this world has to offer. I also think that it really fucked (sorry mom) me up emotionally. There are some emotional wounds that have definitely faded overtime but will probably always be there. Like for example, yelling is a really big trigger for me and it probably always will be. I have come a really long way since we first started dating and I have changed so much. Zach and I have worked through a lot of my emotional problems together and I have definitely worked on them myself as well. At first, I didn’t know how to really voice my feelings and tell Zach what was wrong –– probably from years of walking on eggshells and keeping my own feelings in just so I wouldn’t piss my ex off. It took a long time for me to finally start voicing my feelings and tell Zach what was wrong and communicate. We have come such a long way together and we have the BEST communication in our relationship. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Did you feel as if you weren’t going to find someone else after you got divorced?
I honestly thought I would stay single for a very long time. I wasn’t ready to love someone else yet and I had a lot of emotional stuff I had to work through. I never thought someone would want to put up with me and all the emotional baggage I had. I never thought I would be happy in a relationship again, which is dramatic but when you’ve been hurt that badly emotionally, it makes sense.
I am so proud of how far I have come in the past two years. I have really found myself again. I finally voice my feelings and know that it’s okay for me to do that and it’s okay for me to have them in the first place. I have a strong faith in God because he showed up, even when I was pissed off at my situation and had very little faith. I realized what I wanted to do with my life and found a purpose throughout this. It’s been a long journey but I don’t think I would go back and change anything because I am so proud and happy with the outcome. I have a very healthy and happy relationship with a man who completely adores me and loves everything about me. He’s my best friend and the love of my life. He was there for me every step of the way through this process. And now… I can’t freaking wait to get married again to him. Who woulda thought?
If you’ve read this far, thank you for reading this really long post. Thank you for all the support and love!
Love Always,
Tay
