Domestic Violence Awareness Month

"if you were born with

the weakness to fall

you were born with

the strength to rise"

-Rupi Kaur

Trapped

Seventeen. The beginning of the end. The year that would change everything. Although she thought she was grown, she was still young with much life still left to live. Lovestruck, she found herself falling for someone new and exciting. She never had someone who was so interesting. Someone who sent her numerous gifts just because. She knew she was in love. They dated just a short year before promising each other forever at the ceremony of marriage. Trapped.

Controlled

They spent just two weeks together before he returned to his duty station an entire ocean away. Apart. This is when it all changed. They fought constantly, but not the healthy way. She found herself in a marriage that was making her stressed out all the time, crying, hiding away from family and friends so they wouldn't see the hurt in her eyes. She became really good at pretending that everything was alright. The truth was he was angry all the time. He blamed her. She blamed herself. If only she hadn't of tried calling him on the way to school then maybe he wouldn't have lashed out at her. If only she answered her text messages instead of taking a nap then he wouldn’t have called her a stupid bitch, you don’t deserve to be loved. The words rolled so easy off of his tongue like they always belonged there. Those words stung like acid on the skin. They followed her around until they became normal in their everyday conversations and she began to believe him. She tried desperately to change so that he would love her again like the beginning of their relationship. Angry, toxic fights ended with words of "I love you" and "I'm sorry, I was drunk. You know I didn’t mean it baby, you’re my fragile rose.”. She told herself, “Once we’re back together again, everything will be fine. It’s just this damn distance.”. She managed to make it through the long eight months apart.

Finally, they were together again. A much-awaited homecoming for the both of them. It was finally time to start life together. They packed up life as they knew it and moved to Colorado where his next duty station was. The honeymoon stage was in full effect and irrational arguments would be a thing of the past, for the time being. It didn’t take long for things to take a turn for the worst. Since they only had one car, she was forced to stay home. She would do all of the household chores while he was at work. She would have dinner ready for him before he came home. Since he was the only human connection she had on a daily basis, she was always ecstatic for him to come home. He could care less. Most nights he would want to be left alone downstairs unbothered with a six pack of beer, loud music and his video games. She was lonely. Three months into living together things had gone from bad to worse. He would hack into her Facebook profile to check up on who she had been talking to, he would read her text messages, he controlled all of the money getting very angry with her whenever she wanted to splurge on Oreos at the grocery store. He was the master and she was his puppet. Controlled.

One night after downing another six pack of beer he moseyed his way upstairs just like he did every night. This night, however, was different. Much to his surprise he found her awake waiting for him. In that moment, she had decided enough was enough, something had to change. She began nagging him about his irresponsibility and drinking. Something about the look in his eye was different from before but she decided not to notice it and kept on. He snapped. He lunged at her from across the bed and pinned her down. On top of her he placed his hands around her neck and gripped hard. She yelped with surprise and pain. He covered her mouth so that the neighbors wouldn’t hear her muffled screams and weeping. He continued to squeeze. The look in his eyes was that of someone who was enjoying what they were doing, she would never forget it. Horrific. The choking lasted for a couple minutes but they passed by as slow as molasses. They felt like the longest, most agonizing minutes of her life. Finally, he lets go. She bolts out of the room, making her way to the guest room and locking it behind her. She slides down against the door onto the floor and places her head in her hands and begins to cry. How could she allow her life to get this out of control?

The next morning was a blur. He begged for her forgiveness with flowers and promises that he would never do it again. Hopeful, She decides to justify his actions as a drunken mistake and work even harder to make their marriage better.

Broken

Months went by and it was the same cycle over and over again. Each confrontation more violent than the last. Cruel words felt like needles in her skin. They were permanently tattooed on her brain as she would replay his words over and over again making herself sick. She doubted herself. She walked on eggshells. She bit her tongue in attempt to not make him angry. She feared him. She felt him consuming her life and consuming every last piece of her like a black hole. She felt out of control. She doubted herself and her decisions. She believed that all of this was her fault, constantly blaming herself for each altercation, letting the abuser walk freely. He was the anchor holding her to the ocean floor, drowning her with each set of waves. She was more than broken, she was completely and utterly destroyed. Not even recognizing herself in the mirror anymore. The weight became too heavy to bear. The fantasy that everything was okay was slowly crumbling beneath her feet. She was screaming at the top of her lungs with no one around to hear her because she didn’t allow them to. She felt alone in this. The pain was almost unbearable. She found herself not wanting to get out of bed. She ignored her friends for days on end just because. She was not herself anymore. Broken.

Free

After being consumed by the darkness for three years she decided enough was enough. She was tired of being afraid. She wanted to live her life. She wanted to be loved and she demanded to be respected. She could no longer allow herself to be pinned to the ocean floor. She was ready to get rid of the toxic that surrounded her. She wanted out and that’s just what she intended to do. She didn’t care how or when but it was going to happen. An ounce of courage out of nowhere allowed her to speak to a close friend about the secrets of her troubled marriage. Finally, support. She knew she could make the long journey ahead with the love and support of close friends and family members. As more time went on, she felt more comfortable sharing with just a few close people in her life. She was completely changing, but it was necessary. She gained support and insight from the close niche of people she decided to share her personal experience with. Ultimately, she made the decision to end the marriage completely on her own.

Metamorphosis: a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one. She transformed into a butterfly and was aching to get a taste of freedom. Ready to spread those beautiful wings and be free.

Purpose.

Many of you may not be aware that October holds a significant place in my heart. It is Domestic Violence Awareness month. The story that I decided to share with you all today, is my own. I have chosen to keep this portion of my life private, for good reason, until now. I'm not sure why, but I felt a really strong urge to share with you the trials I have faced in such a short period of time in my very young life. I did not do this to gain sympathy from anyone, I did not do it to bash anyone, I did it to break the silence (BTS). I did it simply because I felt that my words would hopefully find their way to someone who needed them. Someone who is going through something similar in their life and wanted to know that yes, there is a way out. If you are that person I want you to know that you are so very loved. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the very dark tunnel. I want you to know that you are such a warrior. You are strong. You can do this and I believe in you.

I have taken a lot of time to reflect on my life in the last few months. I have gone through phases of complete bitterness, depression, anxiety, you name it. I lost myself for awhile there. I didn't know who I was at the end of all of this. I had to figure out what kind of person I truly wanted to be. I can tell you that I want to be a person of kindness and compassion. I want to show love to anyone who is in need of it. If you are ever that person, please don't ever feel like you are alone, I am here for you. It took quite a few months to forgive but I know that forgiveness was absolutely necessary in order for me to truly move on with my life. This is my last step, sharing my story with all of you. Throughout this entire journey, I have truly found my purpose. Because of this, I know I want to be a marriage and family therapist. I know God could really use me as a tool to help people in this area of work. I can show empathy and compassion to those who have been in the same situation as I have.

I chose to keep this area of my life private that way I could truly allow myself time to heal and be at peace. I wasn't ready to be bombarded with questions or judgements quite yet. It took a lot of prayer to be where I am at now. I can honestly say my relationship with God has never been more strong in my entire life. He truly does wonders and has taken me into his hands this past year and for that I am grateful.

To my family and close friends who might be shocked at reading this: I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I needed time to truly make it through this and I wanted to do it in the most independent way possible. I didn't want sympathy from others. I just needed time to heal. Please do not be angry, I am truly at peace with everything that has happened. I am finally happy, really happy. I love you all so much and appreciate your never ending support for me in every decision I make. For that, thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this really long post. Thank you for being understanding. Thank you for the love and support I have felt from all of my friends and family these past few months. Thank you a million times.

Love Always,

Taylere Louise

Warrior

Please show your support by wearing the color purple throughout the month of October.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)